Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
