I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
