ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
