I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
