sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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