Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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