I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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