first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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