I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
