onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
