When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
