you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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