i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
