I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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