At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
