I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Less talking, more tequila
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
