Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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