I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
