My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
