It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
