i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
