dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
