tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
