omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
