I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize