Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
