The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
