I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
