You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
