Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So vagazzling was a success
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
