I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
