okay pat passed out under dana's car
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
