So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize