i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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