You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
