I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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