and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize