Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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