Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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