how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
