A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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