do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
