I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
