well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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