Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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