and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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