Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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