im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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