she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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