Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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