im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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