Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
