; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You're so nebulous sometimes
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
