woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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