They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
