I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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