how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
