Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
