Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
