So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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