Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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