Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
