My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I love having hate sex.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
