We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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