I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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