Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
