the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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