The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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